Chronicles of a Pessimist 18

TW: gun.

“Feeling better?” he asked as they approached her building.

“More or less. Why do people even use this stuff if it makes one’s head all wonky?” she complained. “I’m sorry I’m leaning on you so much, I just don’t trust my legs right now.”

“It’s quite alright,” he smiled. “And I’m guessing you’re one of the people who experience it adversely. Most that I know always say it’s better than alcohol in terms of hangovers.”

“I’d rather be having an alcohol hangover right now, I think. I’m still seeing things funny, you know. Like the trees are all weirdly pigmented and that guy over there is dressed funny.”

“Oh yeah,” he agreed. “That last one is for sure.” The man was way too overdressed for the weather, besides, who wore a helmet and sunglasses at this time? And he was coming right towards them… wait.

“Hand over your wallets, right now!” the strange man yelled, gun aimed right at them.

“Shit.”

Instantly pushing Anna behind him, Jasper put himself between her and the mugger.

“Hey!” she complained.

“This guy’s dangerous,” he whispered to her. “Hey man, no need to shoot. I’ll give you my wallet, just put away the weapon, ok?”

“Show me the money first,” the guy grumbled. 

Despite the heightened danger of the situation, something in Jasper’s brain started telling him he knew this guy. There was just something so familiar in the way he moved and talked…

“Well, hurry up, will you? We don’t have all night,” the mugger complained.

That voice… it all clicked into place!

“Funky Weather Guy?” he asked, absolutely bewildered. “Is that you?”

This stopped the guy in his tracks. He looked like he was about to say something more, but remained quiet.

A new voice came from behind them, as Anna recognized her friend’s familiar and outraged tone.

“Tony? Is that you? What the ever loving fuck are you doing waving that toy around, you dimwit?!!!!”

Crossing the distance between them in record time, Demarcus ripped off the guy’s helmet, which caused an offended exclamation from him and a shocked gasp from Jasper – indeed, it was the well-known local weatherman and celebrity!

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” Demarcus continued to yell at the man. “Do you really have such poor money-managing skills that you must resort to mugging people? The TV station not paying you enough? These are my friends you’re trying to scare the daylights out of!”

“Hey, hey, hey!” the guy tried to defend himself. “I’m doing this for everyone’s own good!”

“You nearly gave us a heart attack, you moron!” Anna spoke up, still confused about everything. “How is this for our good?”

“Yeah, ‘Moron’ is an apt name for him,” Demarcus sighed. “Why don’t you show them what that gun of yours actually does, go on.”

“Wait, am I the only one who sees the resemblance?” Jasper whispered.

“No, no,” she agreed. Despite the weed fog, she recalled Candace saying she thought Demarcus looked familiar. And he did have an uncanny resemblance to this guy, who was famous.

“You’re overreacting, Marcus, seriously,” the guy complained.

“Show them!”

The man pushed the trigger: a small flame shot out of the gun, perfect for lighting a cigarette.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, did we just get held up with a lighter?” Jasper groaned.

“I wish I could tell you this is the dumbest thing he’s ever done,” Demarcus answered in annoyance. “But, alas, I cannot. Tony Wells, everyone. My brother.”

“Well, start explaining, bro. We’re all ears.”

Despite the heat, Dem reopened the bar to let the four of them in and work through everything that happened during the evening.

“I was trying to keep things nice for the locals,” Tony explained.

“By committing crime?”

“Yeah! Do you know what happens when they gentrify a neighborhood? Rents go up. No one can actually afford to live here. I like our city how it is, thank you very much,” Tony justified his actions. “And when the developers think there’s a lot of crime in the area, they don’t want to build up their fancy condos here.”

“But we didn’t have any crime in the area until you started mugging people!” Demarcus felt like his head was about to split up. “Why?”

“To make them think we had crime!” Tony exclaimed. “Don’t you see it? Rents already went down. Stores aren’t hiking up their prices. The common person benefits!”

“Of all the crazy schemes you’ve had…”

“…’s how I moved in, no lie. Rent was low. Decent area…” Anna mumbled, slumped on the bar.

“Um, is you friend ok?” Tony asked.

“Yeah, what’s with her?” Demarcus looked at Anna with concern.

“Accidental edible use. Do you have any lemons or oranges here? And some iced water for her?” Jasper asked. “We were just going home when…”

“Coming right up. I’ll mix her a nice cooler.”

“Add in some black pepper too, if you want her to feel better. Can confirm, it works,” Tony added.

“Ah, of course you’d know all about how to relieve weed effects,” Demarcus shook his head. People always expected the older brother to be the wiser one. Not this time around.

After handing Anna her drink, Dem returned to questioning his brother.

“I see your reasoning. But have you considered any realistic outcomes for your actions? For starters, police could’ve arrested you – or worse. You were hardly discreet. Second, you were mugging people with a fake gun. Imagine, just imagine, if someone you startled was packing real firearms? They would’ve shot you and they would’ve been defending themselves.”

“I didn’t think about that,” Tony admitted.

“I didn’t think about that,” Tony admitted.

“I’m sure. And let’s get back to the main point – you were mugging people! That. Is. Illegal!”

“Sorry.”

“Sorry? That’s all you’re going to say? By the way, these two have every reason to call the police on you right now. Seriously, why haven’t you?” he turned to the couple.

“I don’t know. This evening’s already weird enough. I’m still processing the fact that Funky Weather Guy is the local mugger,” Jasper admitted. “And that he’s your brother.”

“Yeah, you never mentioned having a brother,” Anna realized. “How come?”

“Because…” he nodded towards the guy. “He’s always getting me into one mess or another.”

“Hurtful, man. I wasn’t trying to mess anyone up. Man, it’s hot in here,” Tony complained.

“Serves you right. I assure you, so is prison.”

“I could take a look at your AC,” Jasper offered.

“Thanks, but I’ve already called people for it and they are paid to do their job. Don’t make it easy on them. Besides, this guy should sweat a little.”

“Well, it’s not like I kept the money. I gave it all back!”

“And how exactly did you do that? Did you keep a ledger of all the folks you mugged?” Dem asked sarcastically.

“Um…”

The door flew open and an out-of-breath Toya ran in.

“Don’t file any reports! Please, I can explain everything!” She looked between the people present and Tony. “We can explain everything.”

Demarcus groaned. “Oh, come on… not you too!”

“Look, I’ve been helping Tony, ok?” Toya confessed. “It was the right thing to do.”

“Right thing to do?! You knew my brother was parading out there decked out with a fake gun mugging people and you’ve been helping him?” he stared at her like she had grown a second head. “I thought better of you.”

“Tony made a lot of sense,” she rationalized. “We were just talking one day, about how any decent area gets completely unlivable due to development. And I mentioned how the crime ratings play a role in it…”

“Ah, so that’s where he got the idea,” Dem understood.

“But it worked! And we returned all the wallets as soon as the police reports were filed,” she continued explaining.

“Toya, you are a police officer!” Demarcus screamed. “You’re supposed to have more sense than that! I know my brother can talk up anything to anyone, but you were supposed to know better!”

“I’m sorry, ok?” she apologized. “We’ll stop. I promise.”

“You fucking better. Or I will be filing reports against both of you and I don’t care who’s my brother and who’s my friend at this point,” he threatened.

“You ok?” Anna asked Jasper, who was staring at the wall with a strange expression.

“Yeah, just expecting some meddling kids and their Great Dane to show up, that’s all. Is this being filmed for reality TV? Because the ratings would be through the roof.” He turned towards her. “Is the drink working?”

“Surprisingly, yes. I’m not feeling so foggy anymore.”

“Wanna go? I think they can keep this up for a while.”

“Yes, please!”

“Hey, you three figure everything out without us, ok? It’s been a long day,” Jasper told them, as they headed out.

“And we’re not filing any reports, so don’t worry,” Anna reassured them. 

“Take care, you two,” Demarcus waved them goodbye before turning on the other two. He’ll talk to them for as long as he considered necessary. They didn’t get to be idiots and get of scot free.

“Well, this was a wild day,” Anna observed once they were safely in her apartment. She didn’t even bother changing out of street clothes – she was too tired to stay up. “Who would’ve thought this guy would be the local mugger?”

“No one. Which makes it all the more crazy,” he agreed. “I remember having a classmate a lot like that Tony guy.”

“Really? What was he like?” she asked.

“You know, the sort who could sweet-talk anyone into anything. He was every teacher’s pet, until it turned out he was running a scam on local senior citizens that involved investing in some bogus scheme,” he recalled.

“And he did that in high school?!”

“That’s right. But later, he himself fell for a really obvious scam. People like that  generally aren’t very bright.”

“No wonder Demarcus never talked about his brother. Especially, since he seems to be well-liked in these parts,” Anna mused.

“Oh, he is! Funky Weather Guy, everyone’s friend…”

“You think they’ll figure it all out?” she wondered. “I hate the idea of siblings fighting. Even if one of them behaved like an idiot.”

“I hope so. I kind of expected better from a police officer, too. But here we are.”

“Her brother does seem more sensible than her.”

“Do I know him?”

“Hunter, he was at the party.”

“Ah! Good guy. By the way, it’s nice to have you sounding coherent again.”

“It’s nice to be coherent again,” she laughed and then frowned. “But seriously, I never want to use that stuff again in my life. Yuk!”

Her phone pinged, and despite being super-sleepy, she checked it.

“It’s an email from Prof. Zeeman. Oh, wow…” her brow furrowed.

“What’s wrong?”

“They’re cancelling all classes for this week, until the AC system gets fixed. The sculpture professor had to be taken to the hospital and another student came down with heatstroke.”

“Yikes. Good thing you don’t have to go there.”

“Hmm… I only had tomorrow’s class left for this week, but if things are that bad, it’s better to stay away. And I guess I’m out of work for the week as well…”

“Because of the AC?”

“Yes! Dem said we’re not getting it fixed until Friday, at the earliest, so there’s no point in opening up – the patrons aren’t fans of the heat. It’s not a bad thing. I could use the break,” she admitted. “Honestly, so could he.”

“We all could,” he agreed, a smile playing on his lips. This was pretty good, actually. He had something on his mind.

“How do you feel about horses?” he asked.

“They’re adorable, why?” she smiled.

“How would you like to come on a little trip with me?” he offered

“Where to?” 

“Have you ever heard of Appaloosa Plains? It’s this little rural town, with lots of horses and there are some really cool nature spots,” he explained. “Basically, I have family there and, technically, Mom and I still own a little house in the town. It’s probably kind of dusty right now, since no one’s been there for a while, but it’s pretty good to spend a few days in.”

“How far is it?” she asked.

“It’s a bit of a drive, but we can make it there in a few hours,” he described the situation to her. “It can be a fun getaway.”

“A fun getaway. That sounds lovely. When do we leave?”

“How about tomorrow? If you don’t change your mind in the morning, after thinking it over, of course.”

“Oh, I won’t. I wouldn’t mind a little change of scenery.” She snuggled up to him, glad to not be alone after this crazy day. “So, family? You spent time there?”

“As a kid, yeah. And then, a few times here and there…” he recalled wistfully.

“You really love that place,” she noticed.

“I have good memories associated with it,” he smiled at the recollections. 

“I can’t wait to see it.”